CindyFrench-stranger than fiction stories

about facing life with hope and confidence, no matter the diagnosis

Archive for the tag “dealing with loss”

My Eulogy at My Dad’s Funeral

I  am Cindy, Dad’s first born child. I was also the first Hungerford girl in many generations. I guess as the first born, I had a special connection with Dad. He was my first love and god all rolled up into one for me from my first memories.

I believed everything he said and tried — until my teens anyway — to do everything he wanted me to. In first grade, I told my teacher that my dad said the moon was made of green cheese. She said absolutely not! But I argued with her and got sent to the principal’s office. I explained that my dad said it—so it was true! Poor Daddy, he had to go down to the principal’s office and explain and apologize!

When Dad died, I had all these flashbacks of him and me. At six, my first Christmas I remember the handmade doll furniture for my doll. My first bike and teaching me to ride without training wheels. A Halloween parade where he made me the most a awesome tail that curled and pitchfork for my devil costume—this was before we knew any better!

When I broke my arm playing Tarzan and Jane and he ran all the red lights to get me to the hospital. The weekend trips aroundTexas, to San Jacinto Memorial, to New Braunsfels where I rode my first horse.

Of course in my teens things changed a lot! I wanted to be a part of the crowd. Dad didn’t want me out there at all. I seemed to get grounded all the time. When I was 15, I was grounded and had to ask him to please let me go with my boyfriend to his prom-he relented and let me go. When I was 16 and had my birthday party at home and the kids started dancing—he shut it down. I was mad at him for a long time. I didn’t care that our church preached against dancing and he was a deacon—and needed to adhere to the church’s doctrines. But that was Dad-at that point in his life he was still about works and earning his salvation.

Life with my dad was not easy as a teen, but after I married my Dennis at 29, I seemed to finally grow up and when we moved toTampa in 1984, I purposed to have a closer relationship with both my parents. This led to much visiting and really getting to know my father as a person. For the first time, I heard about his early life and his war years. I finally understood why he was the way he was—military straight, absolutes because of his nuclear physics education and lack of love in his home growing up. When he stood here and told ya’ll a month ago that my mom was the first person to love him unconditionally-he was being truthful.  I am glad that I had come to love him unconditionally long ago.

After mom’s funeral last month, he came to stay with Dennis and me for three weeks.

It was a precious time I am so thankful for now. We talked about his salvation experience and his great regrets in his life. How very much he loved his children, but couldn’t express it. How proud he was of everyone for their teaching their own children about Jesus. That we, his children were believers. That was his greatest legacy.

I was sent a card by one of my staff at work.

It said  “Remember that your father left the world a legacy in the good and caring person that you have grown to be. And in this time of sadness may it help to comfort you to know that he is still a part of all you are and do.

 

I found this today searching through my files for another lost file. The 3rd anniversary of Dad’s  death is coming up soon. December 14th. Mom had died 5 weeks previously on Nov 5. You know, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss them both so much! They prayed for me, supported me unconditionally, loved me and my associate was right, they taught me about Jesus.  I”m sure they nor I had any idea how much a person could change–as I have, but I hope that Jesus has told them. And I know my Mom is happy that I finally “get it” that Bible study is the most important thing you can do-along with praying-if you want to know, really know Our Great God, Our Father, Our Creator, Our Savior who hides us in the cleft of the rock, covers us with His feathers, holds us in the palm of His hand and will never, ever let us go.

God has spoken to me and I’m not kidding

Anyone who has read my blog of the last year and a half knows of my journey. So please bear with me while I recount the last 2 wks. Two weeks ago, our pastor gave a sermon on stories and used my life verse, ll Cor 1:4 as the text.  The jist of it was that really our life is not about getting there–the destination, it is about the journey. It’s about our experiences, our sphere of people we interact with (whether we want to or not), just everything that touches us. The Bible says that EVERYTHING that comes to us is filtered through His fingers. So for all my life I have asked, Why did you give my this body Lord?  Why did I have to have this happen to me? Why can I not stay well? Why do I have to live with constant pain, Why, Why, Why? So how could my loving, gracious all powerful holy Father let this all happen to me? First I believe you really have to go to the Word of God for answers, for comfort, for knowledge, even for help in my believing, but unbelief too. This isn’t something that you get from self help books or even counselors–this is between you and holy God. So as I was studying in Isaiah in my weekly lesson, in one chapter it kept saying “in the womb I formed you” over and over and at first I grumbled but then I remembered in Psalms where God said He knit my innermost parts together and in Jeremiah He says that he has a plan to care for and prosper me. Then I went back to my life verse and as I began to read it, God began to tell me why. I never expected an answer!  Afterall, He is God of all and doesn’t have to explain anything he does. But this is what he told me.

Cindy, I love you. I have loved forever and will always love you. Nothing will separate you from my love. My child your life has been a series of stories, sometimes miracles that I have done, so that whenever you meet someone  there will almost be instant rapport because you and  that person or their loved one has gone through  the same physical trial you have and you know exactly how they feel and so can offer comfort. Physical issues and pain bring people together along with other things you’ve experienced. I know that you have been going through the trial of affliction and that you have had to come through a lot of losses in the past 3 years but my child, now you are truly dependant on me. My child, you must trust me for my promises. and then He said it again, Trust me.

So now I wait for Him to act on those promises. But I will never again complain about my body-all I will do is look about in anticipation of who the Lord is going to bring to me to share and comfort with!

Summer 2010 Has Flown…

I can’t believe that fall is soon here. We start a new GriefShare Group this Thursday. For those of you who follow, please be in prayer for those who will be coming!

I spent a lot of last week, preparing for a presentation to an organization called “Ladies in the Biz”.  This is a group of ladies involved in all areas of commercial retail real estate. They had a big “to do” last night and I had the privilege of speaking to them about Human Resource issues ( I am a recruiter). I loved being back out among my clients and potential clients trading cards-it was like I had come out of hibernation. I guess it really was hibernation, because except for a meeting  at night 2 weeks ago, I haven’t done anything except work, eat, sleep, GriefShare, and church for a year since I had the tumors on my head. (see previous posts).  The success of that meeting has spurred me to plan speaking engagements with other groups within my specialty practice. I’m excited!

The Lord continues to be gracious with my work and collections. I am so learning not to do a thing for a search until I pray. Still, the Lord gives and He takes away. Other things in daily life continue to be hard:  expensive appliances breaking, one more thing to worry about health wise, my husband’s job-he sells too and isn’t! But I know who controls the universe and He’s my Father. I bow to Him and what He sends my way as I know He is refining me.

A New One for God’s Kingdom

As we are on hiatus for GriefShare for the summer, I just get calls from those who call in for counseling or help. Last month, I had a call from a young woman who had  lost her husband in March, just 3 months before. She was getting Hospice counseling, but still not coping well. I briefly told her some of my story about how I had come to know Jesus in a personal way and then asked her for her story.  She replied that she must have just assimilated it all from being in church all her life. I told her, “it’s ok, we’ll just start from scratch”. We arranged to meet at a Starbucks at the hospital where she worked-after, yes, another doctor’s appointment for me. Little did I know what God had in store for me!!

We got together and quickly talked through our hellos, how are you doing this week?-not well-ok we’ll talk about the Great Comforter. From there I went right into reading together from a little booklet I have called the Four Spiritual Laws. (I’ll detail them in my next post for those not familiar) While going through the scriptures and the Laws, my new friend came to see that she had to ask Jesus to come into her life, she wasn’t just born with Him; He didn’t just join her one day in church. My Lord Jesus is a gentleman. He even says in scripture (Rev 3:20) Behold I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and will open the door and invite me in, then I will come in and will stay with him. When we came to the sample prayer, she immediately wanted to pray-and pray aloud she did-asking Jesus into her heart right there in Starbucks!

Our conversation then went on to the Trinity and the Great Comforter, the Holy Spirit who now lives inside us. And really what a true Comfort He will be now that He is in her. The ways to go to Him and count on Him. Right now, at this stage of her life, the precious holy Comforter is the most important part of her life.

So after 2 hours or so we went our separate ways, promising to talk regularly, get together at church, and the importance of her baptism.  I knew of course that  I had done nothing but be there and open my mouth. That God had spoken all the words to bring her to Him. But what a tremendous blessing it was to me to be used like that.

I Am So Thankful

I spent the morning catching up on my sleep after my interesting stay at the hospital. After checking further, the pharmacist should have known that morphine and dilaudid were related and that I would be in danger of an allergic reaction!! I will be much more careful in the future before taking new drugs!

We are having Thanksgiving here-for probably the last time-as we do hope to sell the house and go smaller next year. I spent the afternoon setting my table-ironing the linens, polishing silver, placing the china, silver and crystal. I used a large metal “horn” that I have and placed all colors and sizes of gourds in it for my centerpiece. For candles,  I got out tiny little turkey candle holders for slim tall tapers. My table is white, red and gold (yellow) and so pretty!

Dennis finished the girls’ special Christmas presents and then helped me by doing the final grocery shopping for things we didn’t/couldn’t get yesterday. And then, he cleaned my ovens!! I have never heard of a husband that would clean an oven-but there he was scrubbing away so that I would not hurt my hands any further! What a wonderful, special man I am married to! I know that Jesus is taking note of all Dennis does for me-he has to have the most wonderful for jewels for his crown in heaven! All I could do was stand there and cry and thank God for him.

This certainly is not all that Dennis does for us, for our home.  He completely takes care of the laundry,  nine times out of ten, he cooks and cleans up! When I cook,  he cleans up. He takes care of our home both inside and out-whatever he can do to free me to work or to rest-whatever I need at the time.  He also chauffeurs me around,  as much of the time lately,  I can’t drive.  He takes our puppy Max and a book and they wait for me to finish a meeting or an appointment.

This week as a lot of my family comes to join us-I look back over the last year and all that has transpired. I see so much more good than bad-regardless of the financial struggles-the day by day dependence and growing relationship with my Heavenly Father has taken precedence over everything else I think about or do.  In every situation, I find myself thinking “what’s the lesson here?” or “what is God doing ?” or “who am I to share all this with?”  My continuing Bible study with BSF and how what I learn intertwines with my GriefShare Ministry as well as daily devotionals that I read or are sent to me,  continue to amaze me as I know that is my Father speaking directly to me and my circumstances.

So, regardless of what I am dealing with physically, or financially–I feel tremendously thankful and blessed- I truly have everything that gives one joy and peace.

Surprise! My Doctor’s Appointment Today!

I am again blessed! I was able to get in and see the new neurosurgeon today! He was very knowledgeable and even though this is a rare condition, is his specialty. He was very thorough in his examination and in looking over my existing MRI. He talked us through best and worse case scenarios and showed us what he saw on the scans. Then he ordered a CT Scan as well. We plan to do the angiogram on the 20th and surgery on the 23rd. Best of all possibilities is that they can fix everything through arteries-not invading my scalp or skull! Worst case, they fix it both ways. But the main thing is, that he can fix it! Now I just have to get through the week, working and operating as normally as possible!

Tonight was the next to last night for our 13 weeks of GriefShare Ministry until we start again in January. How wonderful it was to watch as people who had been coming all along shared and helped the newer ones! To see the blossoming of faith, the coming along in the process of grief for people where they are now vs 12 weeks ago is truly amazing and could only be a God thing! Saturday we will have a “Surviving the Holidays” seminar from 10-12pm. A lot of the “regulars” are bringing family members and we have many who couldn’t attend regularly but are coming just for this one time. I pray that God will richly bless this time and heal broken hearts, frozen hearts, mad hearts that will all be there.

A New Doctor!

After listening to counseling from family and friends, we did pray that God would lead us to a doctor who is a specialist in DAVF. My wonderful administrator Carol found him for me doing research. He is with the Neuro Group at USF Medical-which takes my insurance! He can see me next Thurs, the 19th, do the angiogram and surgery all very quickly! St. Joseph’s where we were yesterday can’t even do the angiogram till December!

I realize this isn’t an emergency like an aneurysm. But I can tell you it is very difficult to work, drive-anything with all the side effects of this! So I am really thankful-wish it was this week, but I can’t have everything!

I have been amazed at the outpouring of prayers, loving words and scriptures sent to me from my GriefShare leaders all over the country along with friends, family and new friends who have found out about the tumor! How blessed I feel!  Thank you for all you who have written!

New Diagnosis-Dural Arteriovenous Fistalas

Well, I have to say first,that I was very surprised today! I really expected the radiologist to just inject some cortisone and I was making too much of all this. Turned out I was wrong. Turned out I have two holes in my head! Both of them have arteries and veins and dura(brain covering material) coming out of the holes. They are both apparently tied into major arteries or a major artery in my brain. This is what is causing my vomiting, headaches and dizziness and even the ringing in my ears that I thought was my ears being infected! Amazingly, it is genetic and probably the lesions(tumors) have been growing 35 years or more!

Our next step is a  cerebral angiography . This is where they thread a catheter through the groin up to your neck and then insert dye to look at all the veins and arteries. We hope to do this next week. Then with the right information, the surgeon and the radiologist can decide exactly how and where to operate.

I have checked the internet for who does these very rare surgeries. I have found Mayo Clinic-which of course has saved my life before! and Mt Sinai in NY. Tomorrow I will call and speak with people at both places and see what kind of opinions they have.

So of course, the first question everyone in my family or at work has asked me is how I feel about this? Isn’t this just a little too much? Why in the world would God allow me to suffer again, more? My only answer is that He knows exactly what He is doing. I can’t begin to understand what other people with brain tumors or issues have unless I have been through this suffering myself. Already there are 5 people who have reached out to me that want to talk! I will get to share Jesus with everyone! Isn’t their eternity more important than my physical suffering? Isn’t this what Paul spoke of so often? I know he addresses this in II Corinthians 1:3-11.  Read it for yourself. Tell me what YOU think!

God is Creative, Therefore We Are!

Our message today was first that God is an Artist… as we are made in the image of the creative God, each of us is creative! Even if you think on of the left side of your brain! It can be expressed in so many ways besides painting or music or design-it can be problem solving, parenting, leadership, scientific research-anything! Gen 1:26 “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness…the word there means like an ICON. Our ICONS on the computer point to different master program. So the thought is–Am I an ICON that represents God when people “click” on me?

The next important point was that God the Son-Jesus_ is the expression, the medium of God. He is the image of the invisible God. When you look at Him, you see God. He is the ICON that points to the Father.

In Gen 1:7-8 “God breathed life into man’s nostrils and he became a living being”. As a believer, I am embued with the Holy Spirit-he lives within me because I asked Him to. So the inspiration is that the next time I have a problem, I take a deep breath. I breath in His thoughts-often the answer to my problem or issue.

I wonder if I am stamped with the image of God? Do people look at me and see Him? What picture do I present with the way I live? Am I Salt and Light?

Pretty deep  thougths, but so important! Life changing for anyone who reaches out to have it.

November 5th, A Most Interesting Day

November 5th, 1953 my sister came into this world. We celebrate her birthday today! One day, with her permission, I’ll tell you more about her. But my opinion is that she is an extremely talented interior designer with architectural abilities. She has my total love and acceptance. She is the “Queen” of the 4 sisters. Our youngest sister, who just announced her 2nd pregnancy this week! is our “Princess”

Today is also the first anniversary of my mom’s death. My mom and I had a strange and wonderful relationship-probably like a lot of other daughters and their moms. As I have reflected back on our relationship today in particular, I am so thankful that first and foremost she was a believer who taught her children about the Lord-in some cases led them to Him, but always was a praying mom. She knew scripture like no one I have ever known and everyone she met, she shared Jesus with. I often thought she was so over the top with that, but this last year, I have felt that same mantle falling on my shoulders and as I have read and studied on my own and given God permission to bring Himself up in any conversation I have-it has been truly amazing how He has done that. Every single day, as a result, I get to share Jesus with somebody! Maybe it is someone who already knows Him, but needs uplifting, maybe it is someone who is seeking, maybe it is someone who doesn’t have a clue, but there they are in my sphere. You see, I do believe that God sent His Son so that people should not perish-and I certainly don’t want anyone to perish on my account!

So the next thing that happened this day was that an article that I wrote got published by EzineArticles.com! How exciting that was! I wrote about how God answers prayer specifically for us. I’ll eventually figure out how to do that link…but go to www.ezinearticles.com  then click on self improvement and spiritual. My article was listed at #7. The great news is that they asked for more, classified me as an expert author-no less! I do have ideas for continuing  a series on answered prayer as that is such a major issue in peoples’ lives.

Then I had a bit of “bad” news. Although I have to say for the first time in my life getting news that I am once again sick and facing possible serious surgery, I am only excited to find out what God is going to do this time! There truly is no fear, no “God mad”. I know that He is not finished with me yet-if only because of my GriefShare ministry and now my writing. It seems that I have developed the same symptoms in the same place on my head as I had almost 2 months ago when they removed that weird outside the brain tumor. I have about a 3/4 in “bubble” filled with fluid that has just come up. It has brought the headache and dizziness back from before. I will see the chief radiologist of the main hospital I go to on Monday. He will do some more scans and from there, I guess he and my neurosurgeon will decide whether to operate-like inside the brain- or whether to try to inject cortisone into the bubble. The danger is that the bubble is right over my main artery in my brain which holds a  quarter of the body’s blood! He misses and I am dead! Again, this will be where my trust in my Great Physician comes in. He knows all things-knew this was coming, isn’t surprised by it and has already taken care of it! I just get to hang around and see what HE DOES! 

Obviously I believe I have a story to tell or I wouldn’t be writing! It’s interesting that also this week the author of the writing workshop that I have just connected with and will go the first time this month has gone the extra mile to connect me with others that can help me with this writing gig-more than a workshop can! And I met a new person at my GriefShare group tonight whose 83 yr old dad has just published his first novel-a story of his mom raising 7 kids in the true recession. I can’t wait to meet him at his book signing this weekend!

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