As I read the notes from many blogs that come my way, one overwhelming theme is there for all of us. We don’t have to know the future, because we know the One who holds it. After the year that 2011 has been what sane person is not ” seeking the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked (anyone who is not perfect) forsake his way and the evil man his thoughts. Let him turn to the Lord, and will have mercy on him and to our God, for he will freely pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways, declares the Lord.” They are higher and deeper than anything we can imagine about us. What I am/have discovered this year is this incredible love of God the Father for me–as He has told me over and over how He loves me and then as we began to talk together what I should do, not do, how I wasn’t trusting Him (I am now) And as I face the uncertainty of 2012 as far as my health is concerned–I know without a doubt that HE has a purpose in this new, added on systemic disease too. At the least, it forced me to go to a new doctor who was able to tell me exactly how sick I really am. For that I am truly grateful. I was headed down the dead man walking path and somehow, I do think God still has things for me to do and people to talk to. But please pray for me that there is something that can be done for the RA pain. To move around is terrible! I feel like an old woman.
I close with one of my favorite passages: …in all things we are more than conquerors through him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Come quickly Lord Jesus!
I saw my wonderful primary care doc last week and filled her in on my life the last month or so. She had to keep the lights low, I thought I might have pink eye or that maybe the candida infection had gotten into my eyes. They hurt, were very gritty, like stuff was in them. She was very concerned that I could not get into my ophthalmologist until this week and when I told her of the trouble I was having getting in to see the infectious diseases doc-she said, “stay right here, I’ll take care of it”. And take care of it she did! I had an appointment with the eye doctor the next morning (most important) and then an appointment with infectious diseases the next Tuesday, early morning. Wow! what having a doc on your side does! She also changed the oral med I was taking for the mouth and lip sores since I had had no healing there at all and she told me to be sure that she got feedback from the docs on my visits.
Between then and now (the 29th) these are the scriptures the Lord has given to me–and how I have needed them! Grace-Filled Waiting- 2 Cor 4:4-18 We do not lose heart and Yet Will I Rejoice- Habakkuk 3:11-19 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation. So here is what happened at the doctors-
I saw the ophthalmologist the next morning and truthfully, I don’t think I have ever had such a thorough exam! The first thing he said was-the good news is you don’t have an infection. The bad news is you have the dryest eyes I have ever seen since I have been practicing. This is why you hurt. I couldn’t believe that dry eyes would do that-and I had even had the surgery to help with dry eyes, so how could this be? He said is was all because of my rheumatoid arthritis. I couldn’t believe it-how could it affect my eyes? but he said it was and went on to say there were probably other areas of my body that were being attacked as well. I needed to see my Rheumatoidologist. I told him about the candida and that I was seeing an infectious diseases specialist on the next Tues and he said he’d get all the info on what he had done and ordered to her. In the meantime, he gave me 2 prescriptions for eyedrops-each 4 times/day and in between those times I was to use over the counter tears. AND then he gave me a prescription for several blood tests! I was shocked! I have never had that happen either.
Needless to say by the time we finally saw the doc on that Tues, she had a lot of information about me. What was amazing was that she had already read it. Then the second amazing thing happened. She said my major problem is that I have no immunity and that will get me killed. Right now, that is her first concern-to build me up. So she began to ask me what I did, what’s my stress level (ha), extra curricular activities, etc. I was downplaying it, but remember my sister was with me and spoke right up! The hardest thing for me to give up and what I can’t understand the Lord’s way in this is GriefShare. I also have to stop working at night, rest during the day-in fact rest as much as I can any place, any where, any time that I can. She said I really need to be aware of my surroundings at all times because that’s when triggers can strike and right now my goal should be NO ATTACKS–that way, no presnesdone or solu-medrol gets into my body. So I am really praying that I am attack free.
I have no idea how long I need to be so careful, but I am going to have to take the 3 drugs probably for the rest of my life and even if/when I get my immunity built up-no one is going to want to mess with it by giving me asthma drugs unless it is life and death again. Oh what a place to be in! Well I do trust the team I have now. I believe they can and will work together. So my part will be to pray and to rest and to rely on my God-no stress, remember?
We went back to the GI Dot today for follow up after my endoscopy last week. He told us that in all his years of practice, he had never seen such a bad, overwhelming case of this systemic candida. I saw pictures and compared with what it is supposed to look like vs what it does look like is amazing. It’s like one of those powdered donuts you buy instead being a glazed donut. Yeah, pretty awful comparison, isn’t it?
Well, at least I know I am not crazy. There are physical reasons for all that I have been through and am going through now. I think the fatigue is the hardest thing, because it is so overwhelming. So I got a bottle of ProBiotics. I am to take a double dose every day for 2 months. I am already on the antifungal double dose for 3 weeks with the warning I may have to stay on it longer too. I am not sure how they will determine if the stuff is gone.
All I know is Greater Is He That Is Within Me Than He That Is In The World. I know He has a purpose to all of this. But I have to say honestly tonight, it is hard. The sores on my mouth are not healing, but seemingly worse and larger–I would assume because of the infection. But I don’t know who to see, or what to do about it-other than to pray.
I saw the pulmonologist. He said there is no need for the bronscopy, he knows it’s everywhere, now that he knows what it is. As I did, he can track all my infections this year, and the thrush, and the smell. Of course, he looked at me and said “only you!”) He has put me on an antifungal medicine that is many times stronger than the usual dose. Of course he had to explain that to the insurance company. But I am sure that they want me well so that I don’t continue with so many hospitilizations! And he told them this was the only way! So on the first night I took 2 pill (400mg) instead of the usual 1pill. Then I am to take them for the next 13 days -gives me a full 2 weeks on the medicine- whereas most people only take the pills for as long as 3 days! and I don’t know if part of the pill dosage can make a person drag-but this person is! Still I know it is extremely difficult to get rid of and I must get rid of it. They have STOPPED MY REMICAID untill I am rid of it! So now I will be crippled too pretty shortly.
Please pray that I will be strong in the Lord. That I will pray as I know and have experienced! That I will not get down with the pain and let it beat me! I am reading his promises for healing. I am going to list them so that you can pray as I am praying them-there is power in that.
Jeremiah 17:14 Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me and I shall be saved, for You are my praise.
Psalm 77:10-14 I said, “This is my anguish; But I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the works of the Lord; Surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will also meditate on all Your work. And talk of Your deeds, Your way, O God is in the sanctuary; Who is so great a God as our God? You are the God who does wonders; You have declared Your strength among the peoples.
Psalm 6:2-3 Be merciful to me , Lord, for I am faint; O Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O Lord, how long? (I underlined these verses in July of 04. I had not found Remicaid yet)
and then all of Psalm 90 which I won’t quote the whole thing here, just a short passage: 90:13-17 Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all or days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to their children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands –yes, establish the work of our hands. (underlined in August 20110, BUT a lot of underlining in my old handwriting so pre 2005)
I had an endoscopy this last week. It was to check my reflux-in fact to put a little camera in to measure things for 48 hours. We also did it to make sure I hadn’t grown any new polyps this year. Last year, there were 11 of them between my esophagus and stomach.
We ALL got the surprise of our lives to see that I had a fungus ( candidas) growing out of control covering my esophagus all the way down to my stomach. When it is in the esophagus like that they call it, esophagitis. Traditional treatment is Nystatin. It doesn’t work. I came home and promptly googled everything about the bacteria/fungus. Although it is a natural bacteria residing in the body, when it gets out of wack, it is very dangerous and can make a person very sick. This I know for sure. I believe, based on my reading that I have systemic candidas. Everything that has gone wrong with me this year can be traced back to it. Even the smell of the “bug” as I called it. I could smell it. I kept describing as a sickly sweet smell-yes, yeast! And candidas affects ears, the mouth, intestinal gas, bladder and kidney infections, asthma, RA–does any of this sound familiar? It’s amazing that when it gets in your intestines, it can release 70 different toxins. And of course no culture ever came back positive. Candida is natural to the body!
So I have a plan of action! I am not going to succumb to this! Now that I have a name to pray against and lock up, I will. When I see my pulmonologist next week, I will ask for a bronchosopy. It stands to reason that if its on my esophagus, its on my trachea, in my bronchii, maybe even my lungs–which would explain all the horrendous attacks…yet again why there was no culture. I have also researched a supplement that I have been told about that should really impact this problem-called Protamdin. I have a printout on it and am taking it to the doctor too. Finally all the websites suggested a complete nutritional change-perhaps something as radical as gluten free. I will work with a nutritionist on that. Those are the actions I can take. But mostly I am going to the throne room of my Lord God. I am going to ask for healing of this scourge. Again, now that we know the name, we can pray against it and bind it in Jesus Christ’s name.
I certainly believe it is worse because of my witness. I am out front and center in Linkedin now-this blog address is listed. My beliefs are listed. And when replying to any discussion, it is always whatever God tells me to write. But greater is He that is within me than he that is in the world.
Psalm 28: 7 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.
and in Psalm 27:1 the Lord is my light and my salvation -whom shall I fear? the Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom should I be afraid?
Oh, how I have claimed these promises in the last 2 weeks since we had seen the cardiologist! I certainly thought I was prepared for the worst. Even my children were-to the point of–Mom, you will be coming up here to live! But Hallelujah! I don’t think that God is finished with him yet either! Our visit with the surgeon went very well and he showed us exactly what he would be doing with putting this new kind of pacemaker into Dennis-which will be smaller and much more comfortable-thank you Lord!-but the best news of all? What we couldn’t believe? His heart muscle instead of still being at only 28-30% capacity is now 47% capacity! The doctors certainly don’t know what to make of it! But I do! My friends and I have been praying diligently for Dennis’ heart to strengthen-for this surgery and for his life–and so God has answered.
Surgery will be on the 20th, so we will have a quiet Christmas here at home. How thankful I am now that we were able to spend the week with the kids in Atlanta for Thanksgiving. That was some of the most precious time I have ever had with any of them…especially my granddaughters! How very thrilled we were when she told us that she wanted to ask Jesus to come and live in her heart. I spent quite a bit of time with her that night and yes Alyse was there and very interested herself. Then the following nights, Cailyn would always come and get me to “tuck her in” and we would again talk and talk. She has so many questions! I hope that she will be helped by her presents that she will be getting for Christmas. Dennis and I gave it a lot of thought and searched quite a bit for the right things for her.
This of course is what I was living and hoping for-my grandchildren taking an interest in Jesus Christ. Who He is, why He came, what He did for us. I have been praying for this for a long time. Once again, God has been faithful to me.
Over the last three months or so, I had noticed that my husband seemed more and more fatigued and short of breath. These were symptoms of his previous heart problems –although I hadn’t known them at the time. He is supposed to see the cardiologist every six months, but now he had just gotten bumped for the second time which would make it twelve months. I SAID NO TO THIS!
Sometimes, well most of the time these days you have to advocate for yourself or you need someone to do it for you. I called and got the doc’s nurse- he’s my cardiologist too- explained what I was seeing and requested they see him sooner than later. The first time they called the appt was a wk away, then suddenly we were going the very next day! And I say thank you Jesus, because I was right. His ventricles are all on a different electrical pace not in sync, which if we don’t quickly fix it, his heart will wear out or just kinda tear apart.
Well what man do you know that just says ” sure doc, take care of the problem?”
No, my husband has to start talking about timing and money and he’s not sure he wants to go thru that surgery again!
So my request is for prayer for him. For God to calm his fears and his heart. For God to supply the money needed above and beyond what medicare and his supplemental ins cover. For God’s timing with the surgery. And of course for God ‘s guidance of the surgeon and his hands.
For me, that I will keep it together and live my faith in front of (and even behind closed doors) all that I come in contact with. That this time would be for God’s glory because someone somewhere will come to know Him because of our witness.
Anyone who has read my blog of the last year and a half knows of my journey. So please bear with me while I recount the last 2 wks. Two weeks ago, our pastor gave a sermon on stories and used my life verse, ll Cor 1:4 as the text. The jist of it was that really our life is not about getting there–the destination, it is about the journey. It’s about our experiences, our sphere of people we interact with (whether we want to or not), just everything that touches us. The Bible says that EVERYTHING that comes to us is filtered through His fingers. So for all my life I have asked, Why did you give my this body Lord? Why did I have to have this happen to me? Why can I not stay well? Why do I have to live with constant pain, Why, Why, Why? So how could my loving, gracious all powerful holy Father let this all happen to me? First I believe you really have to go to the Word of God for answers, for comfort, for knowledge, even for help in my believing, but unbelief too. This isn’t something that you get from self help books or even counselors–this is between you and holy God. So as I was studying in Isaiah in my weekly lesson, in one chapter it kept saying “in the womb I formed you” over and over and at first I grumbled but then I remembered in Psalms where God said He knit my innermost parts together and in Jeremiah He says that he has a plan to care for and prosper me. Then I went back to my life verse and as I began to read it, God began to tell me why. I never expected an answer! Afterall, He is God of all and doesn’t have to explain anything he does. But this is what he told me.
Cindy, I love you. I have loved forever and will always love you. Nothing will separate you from my love. My child your life has been a series of stories, sometimes miracles that I have done, so that whenever you meet someone there will almost be instant rapport because you and that person or their loved one has gone through the same physical trial you have and you know exactly how they feel and so can offer comfort. Physical issues and pain bring people together along with other things you’ve experienced. I know that you have been going through the trial of affliction and that you have had to come through a lot of losses in the past 3 years but my child, now you are truly dependant on me. My child, you must trust me for my promises. and then He said it again, Trust me.
So now I wait for Him to act on those promises. But I will never again complain about my body-all I will do is look about in anticipation of who the Lord is going to bring to me to share and comfort with!
Survival, that’s what 2010 was about. That and hopefully starting a turnaround. Not just in business, but in life and all it touches. I will be 60 this year in June! I hope to celebrate with my sisters in St Simon. I hear all the time that your years are just a number and you are only as old as you feel, but I know that a certain amount of my energy, my will is gone. Sucked out of me by the stroke or the continuing health issues? Whatever it is, I can honestly say I will never be just what I once was. But then I look at that person and I am not sure I would want to go back to her either! Business ruled just about my every thought and was impossible to “turn off”. My corporate standings were always on my mind. Money wasn’t an issue (gee, that was nice) but again at what real cost of my spirit?
After 12 years of haphazard half done Bible studies, I have spent the last 5 years committed to formal study and what a change it is affecting! Continuous changes in me and hopefully my thoughts, behavior, work ethic, treatment of others sometimes surprise me and fill me with hope that God can and is working through me. One of my study passages in Isaiah 30: 20-21 “Althought the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more…Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, this is the way, walk in it.” Surely this is God reassuring me of the last 2 very hard years, yet his promise for leading for my future. Happy New Year!
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