CindyFrench-stranger than fiction stories

about facing life with hope and confidence, no matter the diagnosis

Archive for the category “sharing loss of loved ones”

The Holiday Season

 The Holidays bring many memories of times past and people, fun and laughter and this year tears. It’s the first time I have decorated the house since Mom and Dad went to be with Jesus. This year, Laurel, our younger daughter is coming to spend the holiday and she loves a decorated house! It was bittersweet having all the memories surface as I pulled out Santa Clauses (I collected them till Dennis said I had enough!) and nutcrackers and table decorations with silver reindeer. Dennis helped me with the tree. Every year, my Dad would tell me that it was the best one ever!

I’ve mentioned before that we are studying the book of Isaiah in BSF this year. What an awesome study it has been! I am amazed that the first few chapters read like today’s headlines. So much of what was going on in the world then is actually going on in the world now. God answered that time with fierce destruction and used the nations to punish Israel/Judah for disobedience and lack of worship of Him. I believe that the destruction has started in our world today that will take us into the end times. Really just how much time do I spend in true Bible study? As much time as I do reading popular fiction? Do I spend more time with God than the TV? These are valid questions and really are bothering me to my core because I know what the answers are. Just how important is God my Father really-to me?

Summer 2010 Has Flown…

I can’t believe that fall is soon here. We start a new GriefShare Group this Thursday. For those of you who follow, please be in prayer for those who will be coming!

I spent a lot of last week, preparing for a presentation to an organization called “Ladies in the Biz”.  This is a group of ladies involved in all areas of commercial retail real estate. They had a big “to do” last night and I had the privilege of speaking to them about Human Resource issues ( I am a recruiter). I loved being back out among my clients and potential clients trading cards-it was like I had come out of hibernation. I guess it really was hibernation, because except for a meeting  at night 2 weeks ago, I haven’t done anything except work, eat, sleep, GriefShare, and church for a year since I had the tumors on my head. (see previous posts).  The success of that meeting has spurred me to plan speaking engagements with other groups within my specialty practice. I’m excited!

The Lord continues to be gracious with my work and collections. I am so learning not to do a thing for a search until I pray. Still, the Lord gives and He takes away. Other things in daily life continue to be hard:  expensive appliances breaking, one more thing to worry about health wise, my husband’s job-he sells too and isn’t! But I know who controls the universe and He’s my Father. I bow to Him and what He sends my way as I know He is refining me.

I Am So Thankful

I spent the morning catching up on my sleep after my interesting stay at the hospital. After checking further, the pharmacist should have known that morphine and dilaudid were related and that I would be in danger of an allergic reaction!! I will be much more careful in the future before taking new drugs!

We are having Thanksgiving here-for probably the last time-as we do hope to sell the house and go smaller next year. I spent the afternoon setting my table-ironing the linens, polishing silver, placing the china, silver and crystal. I used a large metal “horn” that I have and placed all colors and sizes of gourds in it for my centerpiece. For candles,  I got out tiny little turkey candle holders for slim tall tapers. My table is white, red and gold (yellow) and so pretty!

Dennis finished the girls’ special Christmas presents and then helped me by doing the final grocery shopping for things we didn’t/couldn’t get yesterday. And then, he cleaned my ovens!! I have never heard of a husband that would clean an oven-but there he was scrubbing away so that I would not hurt my hands any further! What a wonderful, special man I am married to! I know that Jesus is taking note of all Dennis does for me-he has to have the most wonderful for jewels for his crown in heaven! All I could do was stand there and cry and thank God for him.

This certainly is not all that Dennis does for us, for our home.  He completely takes care of the laundry,  nine times out of ten, he cooks and cleans up! When I cook,  he cleans up. He takes care of our home both inside and out-whatever he can do to free me to work or to rest-whatever I need at the time.  He also chauffeurs me around,  as much of the time lately,  I can’t drive.  He takes our puppy Max and a book and they wait for me to finish a meeting or an appointment.

This week as a lot of my family comes to join us-I look back over the last year and all that has transpired. I see so much more good than bad-regardless of the financial struggles-the day by day dependence and growing relationship with my Heavenly Father has taken precedence over everything else I think about or do.  In every situation, I find myself thinking “what’s the lesson here?” or “what is God doing ?” or “who am I to share all this with?”  My continuing Bible study with BSF and how what I learn intertwines with my GriefShare Ministry as well as daily devotionals that I read or are sent to me,  continue to amaze me as I know that is my Father speaking directly to me and my circumstances.

So, regardless of what I am dealing with physically, or financially–I feel tremendously thankful and blessed- I truly have everything that gives one joy and peace.

Surprise! My Doctor’s Appointment Today!

I am again blessed! I was able to get in and see the new neurosurgeon today! He was very knowledgeable and even though this is a rare condition, is his specialty. He was very thorough in his examination and in looking over my existing MRI. He talked us through best and worse case scenarios and showed us what he saw on the scans. Then he ordered a CT Scan as well. We plan to do the angiogram on the 20th and surgery on the 23rd. Best of all possibilities is that they can fix everything through arteries-not invading my scalp or skull! Worst case, they fix it both ways. But the main thing is, that he can fix it! Now I just have to get through the week, working and operating as normally as possible!

Tonight was the next to last night for our 13 weeks of GriefShare Ministry until we start again in January. How wonderful it was to watch as people who had been coming all along shared and helped the newer ones! To see the blossoming of faith, the coming along in the process of grief for people where they are now vs 12 weeks ago is truly amazing and could only be a God thing! Saturday we will have a “Surviving the Holidays” seminar from 10-12pm. A lot of the “regulars” are bringing family members and we have many who couldn’t attend regularly but are coming just for this one time. I pray that God will richly bless this time and heal broken hearts, frozen hearts, mad hearts that will all be there.

A New Doctor!

After listening to counseling from family and friends, we did pray that God would lead us to a doctor who is a specialist in DAVF. My wonderful administrator Carol found him for me doing research. He is with the Neuro Group at USF Medical-which takes my insurance! He can see me next Thurs, the 19th, do the angiogram and surgery all very quickly! St. Joseph’s where we were yesterday can’t even do the angiogram till December!

I realize this isn’t an emergency like an aneurysm. But I can tell you it is very difficult to work, drive-anything with all the side effects of this! So I am really thankful-wish it was this week, but I can’t have everything!

I have been amazed at the outpouring of prayers, loving words and scriptures sent to me from my GriefShare leaders all over the country along with friends, family and new friends who have found out about the tumor! How blessed I feel!  Thank you for all you who have written!

November 5th, A Most Interesting Day

November 5th, 1953 my sister came into this world. We celebrate her birthday today! One day, with her permission, I’ll tell you more about her. But my opinion is that she is an extremely talented interior designer with architectural abilities. She has my total love and acceptance. She is the “Queen” of the 4 sisters. Our youngest sister, who just announced her 2nd pregnancy this week! is our “Princess”

Today is also the first anniversary of my mom’s death. My mom and I had a strange and wonderful relationship-probably like a lot of other daughters and their moms. As I have reflected back on our relationship today in particular, I am so thankful that first and foremost she was a believer who taught her children about the Lord-in some cases led them to Him, but always was a praying mom. She knew scripture like no one I have ever known and everyone she met, she shared Jesus with. I often thought she was so over the top with that, but this last year, I have felt that same mantle falling on my shoulders and as I have read and studied on my own and given God permission to bring Himself up in any conversation I have-it has been truly amazing how He has done that. Every single day, as a result, I get to share Jesus with somebody! Maybe it is someone who already knows Him, but needs uplifting, maybe it is someone who is seeking, maybe it is someone who doesn’t have a clue, but there they are in my sphere. You see, I do believe that God sent His Son so that people should not perish-and I certainly don’t want anyone to perish on my account!

So the next thing that happened this day was that an article that I wrote got published by EzineArticles.com! How exciting that was! I wrote about how God answers prayer specifically for us. I’ll eventually figure out how to do that link…but go to www.ezinearticles.com  then click on self improvement and spiritual. My article was listed at #7. The great news is that they asked for more, classified me as an expert author-no less! I do have ideas for continuing  a series on answered prayer as that is such a major issue in peoples’ lives.

Then I had a bit of “bad” news. Although I have to say for the first time in my life getting news that I am once again sick and facing possible serious surgery, I am only excited to find out what God is going to do this time! There truly is no fear, no “God mad”. I know that He is not finished with me yet-if only because of my GriefShare ministry and now my writing. It seems that I have developed the same symptoms in the same place on my head as I had almost 2 months ago when they removed that weird outside the brain tumor. I have about a 3/4 in “bubble” filled with fluid that has just come up. It has brought the headache and dizziness back from before. I will see the chief radiologist of the main hospital I go to on Monday. He will do some more scans and from there, I guess he and my neurosurgeon will decide whether to operate-like inside the brain- or whether to try to inject cortisone into the bubble. The danger is that the bubble is right over my main artery in my brain which holds a  quarter of the body’s blood! He misses and I am dead! Again, this will be where my trust in my Great Physician comes in. He knows all things-knew this was coming, isn’t surprised by it and has already taken care of it! I just get to hang around and see what HE DOES! 

Obviously I believe I have a story to tell or I wouldn’t be writing! It’s interesting that also this week the author of the writing workshop that I have just connected with and will go the first time this month has gone the extra mile to connect me with others that can help me with this writing gig-more than a workshop can! And I met a new person at my GriefShare group tonight whose 83 yr old dad has just published his first novel-a story of his mom raising 7 kids in the true recession. I can’t wait to meet him at his book signing this weekend!

Today’s Blessings

I continue to be amazed at how my BSF Bible study of the gospel of John and my GriefShare workbook and peoples’ need intertwine! This could only be a God thing! What I study for the week and learn during the morning on Thursdays is so applicable to our Thursday night meetings for GriefShare. Tonight was one of our best nights, because we (the leaders) watched the group help each other. We talked about real progression from where we all were 9 wks ago and who is sharing and talking today. And what concrete needs, physical needs we have that we can help each other with. I am so humbled by what God is doing! At some time we are ALL going to grieve for someone. That is life. What most people don’t realize is that grieving is a process-and that you have to go through the process. You have to take the time to grieve. If you do not, it will come back on you in some way, some how in the future. GriefShare is just that-sharing our grief, regardless of what loved one died. Processes for moving forward in a good way, not pushing it down and ignoring it as so many do.

Sometimes people are mad at God. How can a good, loving God take their loved one away? Sometimes there are no answers, but I can promise that God will bring good things out of the bad times. Sometimes, that one good thing is all you have to cling to when you are so desolate, but God absolutely will meet you where you are if you will call out to Him. He is just waiting for that call-He will wait your whole life for that call if necessary.

I was reflecting this week on this past year and the changes in my life since my parents died last year. I too have looked for the “good things”. And really there are so many. I’m now involved in a ministry that is helping other grieving people. People have come to know the Lord personally as a result. This is absolutely not something I would have sought out for any other reason.  My relationships with my siblings and spouses is closer and I have watched as they have grown closer together and to the Lord in their own search for that “one good thing”.  My mom’s spiritual gift was evangelism. There wasn’t anybody, anywhere that she wouldn’t share her faith with. If the refrigerator broke down, she’d just know that the repairman was going to meet Jesus that day! Now I have to say that I haven’t gone that far, but I know that God brings people into my sphere for a reason-and I am always willing to share His love and grace with anyone that  is interested. This  urgency is new this last year. I don’t know how God does that exactly, but I feel like the mantle has been passed on to me. I don’t bring up the conversation, HE does. I just give HIM permission every morning to do so! Maybe that is the difference. I am available.

One thing that my parents left was a legacy. All their six children know the Lord Jesus personally. All but one of the 10 grandchildren that are old enough to have made a personal decision to trust in Jesus have also. I am sure that the others will come along as will my grandchildren someday as they too are being taught about Jesus. Deuteronomy says that we are to teach our children at all times-sitting down, mealtimes, walking-whatever we are doing-we should be teaching them about Jesus and His love and His sacrifice for us.  I wasn’t all that great at following those directions in raising my girls, but I thank God everyday that what little I did say or do and all the praying I’ve done since I got over my “God mad” has made such a difference in their lives. Now I have my 3 granddaughters to pray for and to teach. Like I said BLESSINGS!

Laurel

 As I have expressed in previous writings, we had issues with Laurel. She  was a ‘daddy’s girl” from the start. Cried for him so many times as a toddler, even when she was getting tubes in her ears! Several times! unfortunately when she reached 11, we really started having problems-withschool. We met many times with the psychiatrist as well as school officials and her teachers. No one liked giving her the medicine for ADHD. That was one problem. She was very smart and once she showed you that she could do long division or spell a word, she didn’t want to repeat the process in homework. It didn’t help that her dad was making a play for her to come live with him-lots of promises of what could be…finally I gave up when we were filing for bankruptcy with our business and I was facing breast cancer. I truly believed that they could give her the counseling and and one on one time that she needed! Of course this was the worst mistake I ever made!

Laurel went to live with them at age 12. She came back to us at 18. She finished her senior year of high school. Dennis taught her to drive, to balance a checkbook and other essential things that a child should learn to be able to become an adult.

The rest is her story…with us doing what we could and can for her!

 

This Week, Tough, Except For God’s Whispering

I am in the recruitng business-have been since 1979–starting in Atlanta and then here in Tampa with MRI. I have always loved what I do: helping people, making a positive difference in their lives. Until this year, I have specialized in all things real estate and did well, but we all know that the market is really dead right now in development and construction for both residential and commercial. I’ve asked God many times if there was something else He wanted me to do, but the answer has always been no. This year, I asked what else I could do-industry wise-as I am still the major breadwinner for our household. I was surprised as He has led me to recruitng/placing attorneys! I had placed Real Estate attorneys before and in marketing them, I kept getting asked if I could find people for other practices. So here I am talking to people across the United States for different firms. I have chosen firms that are all about life balance and who won’t tolerate “attitudes”. So why was this week tough? Because I wasn’t getting positive response from any of my recruiting calls! Yet, I knew that I had a really special opportunity for the people I was seeking. I knew that God had someone for these firms. Who? Where?

This is where the devotionals and the prayers and God’s whispering come in. I try and have a short quiet time, reading a daily devotional and the Word each morning to start the day. Besides that, this week, because of dire circumstances, I was also praying with and for my sister and for me. For relief, for answers, for help, for open hearts for those I call. And I mean on your face on the floor prayer! I am going to share 2 devotionals exactly as written because they both have had such an impact-I don’t know the authors, but thank you for writing! Thank you God, for making sure that we would read these on the most needed and appropriate days…

1. Grow strong in your weakness. Some of my children I have gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others, like you, have received the humble gift of frailty. Your frailty is not a punishment nor does it indicate a lack of faith. On the contrary, weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day. I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather than on your own understanding. Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what will happen, when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness.

2. Trust Me and refuse to worry, for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today’s tasks-or even tomorrow’s. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. Because I am your Song, I can give you joy as you work alongside Me. Keep bringing your mind back to the present moment. Among all creatures, only humans can anticipate future events. This ability is a blessing, but it becomes a curse whenever is is misused. If you use your magnificient mind to worry about tomorrow, you cloak yourself in dark belief. However, when the hope of heaven fills your thoughts, the Light of My Presence envelops you. Though heaven is future, is is also present tense. As you walk in the Light with Me, you have one foot in heaven and one foot on earth.

There have been many others this week that certainly spoke to me, but none more than these two. I could hear God whispering to me “This is important. Pay attention!” as I read them. And re-read them. And then shared them with others. And you know what, the more I read, the more I believed, the more I shared. And then things began to happen as God is so delighted to hear us and then answer us. Are all the problems, issues resolved? No. But for the first time in a long time, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is wonderful to watch as He leads and makes His plan work! I know all this in my head-it’s my heart that has to be beaten on regularly!

A New Direction

Suddenly I turned into my mother! I wanted to share Jesus with everyone! I wanted to go back and ask forgiveness for anything and everything I had ever done to anyone!

My husband and I joined a non-denominational church and got very involved in the music ministry and working with teens. As young as we were, we felt that it gave us an understanding edge. I started going to a Bible Study on Wednesdays-Kay Arthur was the teacher-way before Precept Ministries…but the insight and learning that I obtained stays with me to this day.

I worked part time-first at Sears in the Jr High section. I could still wear the clothes and loved the selling part. Back then, there were contests for most sales, etc and being the Atype competitive person I am-I always had to win-even over the full time people. But it was a lot of fun for me. The hard part was working till 9 some nights, but my husband was still in school and studying so he couldn’t miss me, right?

Eventually we believed the Doctors about not having any children and moved to a one bedroom apt off campus. We were neighbors with some great friends and close to Tech, to shopping and restaurants and not that far from our church. I think we were in that apartment about 3 months when I started being unable to keep anything I ate, down! I called the Dr and of course, no one thought I was pregnant-it had to be something else! But after a blood test, it was confirmed, I was pregnant again.  Hallelujah!  This time I thought for sure everything would be fine. I was so sick at my stomach all day long and at night too. That part was awful and I had to take medicine and get shots for it. But then we were on the way into a football game and I started spotting heavily! I couldn’t believe that we were going to go through this again. I was put to bed-just got up to eat and go to the bathroom and finally a month later I was allowed up-still pregnant! At about 4 months, I was suddenly hit with the worst pain I had ever had and we rushed to the hospital. I was told after the exam that the muscles that had been cut to “restring” my uterus were now being stretched by a growing baby and what I was experiencing were muscle spasms. If I remember correctly it was also the first night I heard the baby’s heartbeat-strong and steady. That was great, but as the baby grew, the muscle spasms continued and I was given Valium to help! Remember this was 1972!  Otherwise, my belly continued to grow and I was so happy! God was giving me my heart’s desire! At 5 1/2 months, I woke from an afternoon nap to feel my belly contracting. I called my mom and she came and immediately took me to the doctor’s office. After the exam, we were told that my cervix had thinned out and my body was preparing for labor. The only thing to do at that point was to go back to bed for the duration and hope I could stop any active contractions with medication. My mom took me straight back to her house and called my husband. He moved our necessary things into the “in-law” suite that they had and I started a new world in bed.

At first you sleep a lot. But then you can’t sleep at night, so you have to entertain yourself during the days. I did watch TV, I listened to tapes, I read-after a month I was completely bored, but I had to stay down. My mom had the idea of my embroidering bibs, then she got me material to make a baby quilt–so I did stay busy. We did make some trips to the hospital during the next 2 1/2 months when my contractions would get to 2 minutes, but the dr was always able to stop them.

Then on March 12th, going to the table to eat breakfast, my water broke. My brothers and sisters still at home were little and thought it was so funny that their big sister had wet her pants. I was just glad that my mom was there to take charge. Once more we went to the hospital. I hadn’t dilated and back then, they wanted every extra hour in the womb they could get for the baby. So once more, we came back home. In the early morning hours of the 13th, really strong contractions started and when they were again timeable, we took off for the hospital–about 5am. Back then, they did all manner of things to prepare a woman to give birth that I won’t go into-but let me say, that things today are very different! This was a beginning time for the husband to be in the labor and delivery rooms and so my husband was with me. I remember after 2 hours of hard, almost continuous contractions thinking–was I crazy? I had done this on purpose to myself and there was no going back! I wasn’t dilating very quickly even with the contractions, but finally got to the point I could have an epidural. Thank God for that invention!! It completely took away the pain and we played cards all afternoon. Finally, around 6-6:15, I was ready to deliver. We went into the operating room-yes they still did that then- and here comes Melissa Karen. I watched in the overhead mirror. What a miracle that was! She was fine. I was not. I was bleeding out. My uterus had just stopped contracting-tired, I guess. I remember thinking before I went out (gas?) all this only to die now?

When I woke up, I was told what a great doctor I had. He had really saved me that day. About midnight, I got up, took a shower and walked down to the nursery to see my little girl. She was tiny 5lbs 12oz. and fit in the space between my hand and my elbow-which if you know me-is short! I thought she was beautiful. My little miracle. About 24 hours after she was born, Melissa was still very lethargic, didn’t want to nurse and began to turn yellow. And I mean YELLOW. Her eyes, her whole body was yellow. Her billirubin count was at 19, the highest the hospital had ever had. A specialist was brought in and they begain to treat her with meds and ultraviolet light. Once again, I thought-after all this-to lose her? She had ecoli in her system from my fluid and we were told it was going to take awhile for her to get better. So I left the hospital, again without a baby in my arms, not knowing what was going to happen.

This is where I went back to my God who had given me my heart’s desire. I begged Him for her life. I spent the next 2 wks most days at the hospital in the nursery. Rocking, loving, kissing, soothing, feeding my baby. At some point, I felt like a Mack truck had run over me and I had to rest more. Even though I had lost a lot of blood, it wasn’t quite enough for a transfusion, so I had a lot to build back up. One other “fun” thing I experienced was finding out I was allergic to iodine/betadine in a topical spray or ointment. Back then, this is what was used to help the episiotomy to heal! Not mine! Oh that hurt!

Finally after 2 weeks, Melissa was allowed to come home! She slept in a bassinet right next to me and ate every 2 hours. I think for that first month-all either of us did was eat and sleep!

Now my sweet girl is all grown up with children of her own! THREE girls! and she just pops them out! Where is the justice?

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