CindyFrench-stranger than fiction stories

about facing life with hope and confidence, no matter the diagnosis

Archive for the category “chronic pain”

And it is really all about prayer

Ohmigoodness, did I get some lessons on Thursday this week! First I learned that sometimes, we just can’t pray right or enough for ourselves. It takes the power of two or more just like scripture says. And then once re-learning that lesson, I had to learn again, that my things, my people and my pets aren’t mine.

Let me start at the beginning. Last Thursday, I was trying hard to get out of my car and then retrieve my purse and Bible for the weekly Bible study group I go to (BSF) A woman nearby saw me struggling and asked if she could help me. I said yes, if you have some Remicade or some pain medication, kinda flippantly. But she came right over and looked at me and said you look like you are in terrible pain. I said I am. I don’t think there is a place I don’t hurt, cause even my lip still hurts at this point. She said, “Let me pray for you.” And then she sort of put her arms around me and she began to pray and I mean pray.  I knew this woman was no stranger to prayer and so my heart and mind and spirit joined with hers and agreed with her prayer for my healing. Then when she was done, she took my chin in her fingers, looked me in the eyes and said now you believe it! And then she walked right off into the building.

I gathered my things and took my first few steps and immediately knew that I had no pain, I stood up straight and walked faster-a normal gait-without pain.  I entered the building and signed in, got my lesson for the next week and went and sat down next to one of my friends. I was in a daze! She said, “what’s up with you?” I told her what had happened in the parking lot–we both got tears in our eyes and then it was time for the hymns. I usually try to skip this part, because I haven’t been able to sing since my stroke 6 yrs ago–generally I just hum along, but I was urged to open my mouth and sing and so I did and I sang! I don’t know how good I sounded, but let me tell you, to me going from a frog sounding voice to singing back to  more of a soprano or close to it was amazing! So now I am thinking wonder what else is healed? Cause I have lot’s of fallen apparts. I am 60. It happens. But I thought I had had everything fixed that could be fixed way before now. Turns out I was wrong. 

I was hurting so much I couldn’t do for myself-I needed that prayer for me. So we need to make it a purpose in our lives for those we know that are sick to go and pray for them-cause they can’t do it themselves, regardless of how strong a believer or prayer warrior they are. That was lesson number 1.

Today is Friday. My Catch-up day-stay home if at all possible day. Things are going well today. Both Dennis and I are getting a lot done. I am very happy because someone I have been recruiting has said yes and is now almost immediately scheduled for an interview. My other calls have gone ok–at least there are things to possibly follow-up on. The market is still so soft here. And when you feel personally involved with a candidate, it makes it tough when you can’t help them. I had just finished a call and my Yorkie who had been on his little bed to the left of my desk was now on my Book of Lists and I could hear the mess-I looked down and he wasn’t making a mess, he was having a seizure. I grabbed him really fast and ran outside to Dennis who had just started washing my car. I was screaming (I don’t do emergencies well, unless they are mine) put the water down and come get the dog! Literally he did throw it down and took Max from me, immediately trying to soothe him and stop the seizure. He walked into the house and I saw the water gushing straight up into the sky and ran to turn it off. Dennis loves that little dog just like I do. It took about 5 minutes for him to stop. This was the second one he’d had–6 or 7 months ago he’d had a short little one but we weren’t really sure that ‘s what it was and he was so fine after, we didn’t do anything. But this time, we rushed up to our vet.  Max checked out ok with his blood, etc. So we were told just to watch him. That if the seizures became more frequent or lasted longer, there was medication for him.  Best case, he might have a mild case of epilepsy, worst case  he’s growing a brain tumor; but it would take an MRI to rule that out-stupid right now and probably impossibly expensive if necessary later. So tonight we got to pray over our puppy whom we both love very much-but again is God’s and we accept that. I also had to pray over an ailing husband…who just hasn’t felt right all day. And when they are heart patients with new pacemakers, it makes it hard to trust and wait things out. But This IS What God has wanted of me. For me to see Him in every detail of my life. Everything that touches it–He has touched it first.  Lesson #2

 

Protected: Well That Was Last Week…

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More Answers!

I saw my wonderful primary  care doc last week and filled her in on my life the last month or so. She had to keep the lights low, I thought I might have pink eye or that maybe the candida infection had gotten into my eyes. They hurt, were very gritty, like stuff was in them. She was very concerned that I could not get into my ophthalmologist until this week and when I told her of the trouble I was having getting in to see the infectious diseases doc-she said, “stay right here, I’ll take care of it”.  And take care of it she did! I had an appointment with the eye doctor the next morning (most important) and then an appointment with infectious diseases the next Tuesday, early morning. Wow! what having a doc on your side does! She also changed the oral med I was taking for the mouth and lip sores since I had had no healing there at all and she told me to be sure that she got feedback from the docs on my visits.

Between then and now (the 29th) these are the scriptures the Lord has given to me–and how I have needed them!  Grace-Filled Waiting- 2 Cor 4:4-18 We do not lose heart and Yet Will I Rejoice- Habakkuk 3:11-19 Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.  So here is what happened at the doctors-

I saw the ophthalmologist the next morning and truthfully, I don’t think I have ever had such a thorough exam! The first thing he said was-the good news is you don’t have an infection. The bad news is you have the dryest eyes I have ever seen since I have been practicing. This is why you hurt. I couldn’t believe that dry eyes would do that-and I had even had the surgery to help with dry eyes, so how could this be? He said is was all because of my rheumatoid arthritis. I couldn’t believe it-how could it affect my eyes? but he said it was and went on to say there were probably other areas of my body that were being attacked as well. I needed to see my Rheumatoidologist. I told him about the candida and that I was seeing an infectious diseases specialist on the next Tues and he said he’d get all the info on what he had done and ordered to her. In the meantime, he gave me 2 prescriptions for eyedrops-each 4 times/day and in between those times I was to use over the counter tears. AND then he gave me a prescription for several blood tests!  I was shocked! I have never had that happen either.

Needless to say by the time we finally saw the doc on that Tues, she had a lot of information about me. What was amazing was that she had already  read it. Then the second amazing thing happened. She said my major problem is that I have no immunity and that will get me killed. Right now, that is her first concern-to build me up. So she began to ask me what I did, what’s my stress level (ha), extra curricular activities, etc. I was downplaying it, but remember my sister was with me and spoke right up! The hardest thing for me to give up and what I can’t understand the Lord’s way in this is GriefShare. I also have to stop working at night, rest during the day-in fact rest as much as I can any place, any where, any time that I can. She said I really need to be aware of my surroundings at all times because that’s when triggers can strike and right now my goal should be NO ATTACKS–that way, no presnesdone or solu-medrol gets into my body. So I am really praying that I am attack free.

I have no idea how long I need to be so careful, but I am going to have to take the 3 drugs probably for the rest of my life and even if/when I get my immunity built up-no one is going to want to mess with it by giving me asthma drugs unless it is life and death again. Oh what a place to be in! Well I do trust the team I have now. I believe they can and will work together. So my part will be to pray and to rest and to rely on my God-no stress, remember?

“I Know Exactly How You Feel!”

My favorite phrase these days, my validation for who I am and why I am living! But this is what God showed me last night and this morning: in Hebrews 4,  Jesus is the Great High Priest. And even though he has been through the heavens, Jesus is our high priest who can symphatize with our weaknesses-our every sin-because he was tempted as well-yet without sin. He also knows what it is to be cold, be hungry, be thirsty–whatever we are except without sin.

So when I am going through some trial physical or spiritual, Jesus can say to me.  “Oh Cindy, I know exactly how you feel! These are normal feelings, those are not-this is what the Father says about the trouble…” And then He proceeds to give me the comfort that I turn around and give to others, which is all II Corinthians 1:4. Isn’t that just the neatest thing?  Because I understood about His comfort. He has given me so much of it over the years. I don’t think I would have made it without it. But I had never seen Him as the Person going through everything that I was…yet he was.

I guess what I want to convey in this posting is the unlimited, overwhelming, incredible love that Jesus has for his own  that He would do this.  Over and over He’s told me how He love’s me and how  I need to trust him more-much more! And  of course I do trust Him and remind Him I have at least faith the size of a mustard seed! But how I want to grow it and mature myself  in Him. And of course, that means more prayer and Bible study! Thank you Jesus that you answered my heartfelt cry to make me want to study your word, to make me want to spend time with you. Now I have to work it out  to do my other required tasks because I would rather be here with you. Thank you.  On August 5, 2005 I prayed this prayer from Psalm 40:7-8  Then I said, “Here I am, I have come– it is written about in the scroll. I desire to do your will , O my God; your law is within my heart. A few days later,  I was in the hospital getting a cervical fusion and had a stroke. God used that time with me to teach me love and patience and gentleness-but it took this last year to learn to truly trust Him. I have written about some of these experiences-my hospitalization, losing my voice, getting a puppy to get me out of bed; but I just realized that I haven’t written about learning to trust Him.  Maybe He is not ready for me to write of it yet-because He directs my writing, maybe I don’t really trust Him enough yet. I think I do, but the Father knows all things and can certainly see my heart. Well, I am certain of one thing, eventually you will hear that story as well.

Another New Year!

Survival, that’s what 2010 was about. That and hopefully starting a turnaround. Not just in business, but in life and all it touches. I will be 60 this year in June! I hope to celebrate with my sisters in St Simon. I hear all the time that your years are just a number and you are only as old as you feel, but I know that a certain amount of my energy, my will is gone. Sucked out of me by the stroke or the continuing health issues? Whatever it is, I can honestly say I will never be just what I once was. But then I look at that person and I am not sure I would want to go back to her either! Business ruled just about my every thought and was impossible to “turn off”. My corporate standings were always on my mind. Money wasn’t an issue (gee, that was nice) but again at what real cost of my spirit?

After 12 years of haphazard half done Bible studies, I have spent the last 5 years committed to formal study and what a change it is affecting! Continuous changes in me and hopefully my thoughts, behavior, work ethic, treatment of others sometimes surprise me and fill me with hope that God can and is working through me. One of my study passages in Isaiah 30: 20-21 “Althought the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more…Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, this is the way, walk in it.”  Surely this is God reassuring me of the last 2 very hard years, yet his promise for leading for my future. Happy New Year!

Summer 2010 Has Flown…

I can’t believe that fall is soon here. We start a new GriefShare Group this Thursday. For those of you who follow, please be in prayer for those who will be coming!

I spent a lot of last week, preparing for a presentation to an organization called “Ladies in the Biz”.  This is a group of ladies involved in all areas of commercial retail real estate. They had a big “to do” last night and I had the privilege of speaking to them about Human Resource issues ( I am a recruiter). I loved being back out among my clients and potential clients trading cards-it was like I had come out of hibernation. I guess it really was hibernation, because except for a meeting  at night 2 weeks ago, I haven’t done anything except work, eat, sleep, GriefShare, and church for a year since I had the tumors on my head. (see previous posts).  The success of that meeting has spurred me to plan speaking engagements with other groups within my specialty practice. I’m excited!

The Lord continues to be gracious with my work and collections. I am so learning not to do a thing for a search until I pray. Still, the Lord gives and He takes away. Other things in daily life continue to be hard:  expensive appliances breaking, one more thing to worry about health wise, my husband’s job-he sells too and isn’t! But I know who controls the universe and He’s my Father. I bow to Him and what He sends my way as I know He is refining me.

It’s Always Something

I got my cataracts taken care of and said great! No more to fix on me, surely not! It was almost as if someone heard that, because in these last few weeks, my right knee started hurting. At first it was just a nuisance, but then it started screaming at me when I got up from sitting or stooping. Finally it became painful to push on the accelerator on the car. I thought it my be my RA,  it was time for my med infusions. It did seem to get a little better after the first one and then came screaming back.  I iced it of and on-that helped a little bit, but the more active I was the more I hurt.

In the middle of this time, my sister Marilou and I had planned a trip to Atlanta to be there for our nephew’s first birthday party and to meet his brother, just 2 weeks old. What a great time it was, seeing everyone! My brother, his wife, his son and his wife came so I had the 3 of us sibs together, along with my 2 kids, son-in-law and 3 grandchildren. Like my dearly departed Dad, I was in heaven having some of the family together!

I had to keep icing my knee during all this and then noticed that my feet and ankles were swollen like little sausages too. So Monday afternoon, I sat in the Doctors’s office while she wrote me a RX for an MRI and some lasix for the swelling.  I was very fortunate to get right in for the MRI.

I was devastated when they faxed me a copy of the diagnosis to find that my inflammatory rheumatoid arthritis was now a destroying bone in my knee under the kneecap. No wonder I hurt so much! So I had my self a little pity party that day. Cried and complained to the Lord, my God for my circumstances and the body he had given me. Did you think I never cried? That I am always strong? Not so!! This does get very old and is really beginning to be my identity-not something I want at all.

These Last Nine Months

I noticed today that my love of cooking and planning a good dinner has come back to me! I’ve shared some recipes previously.  This is amazing because up until the last 3 or 4 weeks, my husband has been planning, cooking and serving us. Not that this was a bad thing, but he has his basic things he can fix- I like a lot of variety with a lot of fresh vegetables. As I have said before, we eat mostly fish and some chicken and occasionally some beef. Every now and then, I”ve just got to have a cheeseburger and no one does them better than Dennis! Even Chili’s can’t beat him and they are good! Besides hamburgers, he still needs the occasional pot roast, or smothered steak with peppers and onions. But he has been really good to accept all the fish and seafood we’ve been having. I’m lucky he likes it as much as I do.

I’ve also started back at keeping my house. Cleaning up as I see a room that needs it, I feel like I have been rejuvenated or re-born. This afternoon, I worked at cleaning up my office. Now I think that a clean desk is the sign of a sick mind, so you know it really needed attention, but it was good to put some things away and reorganize others. I am back working full time now and enjoying it more than ever! That is really something considering I ‘ve been doing this since 1979!

God is so good though to keep my business bright and fresh. I never know who I’ll speak with that day or where they will be located. It is amazing that by praying over my work, I literally watch God bring the right people to me out of the hundreds I might have spoken with! Some are just so perfect that I could never have arranged  all of the circumstances, the backgrounds of firm and candidate and ultimately their joined goals like God can! I wonder how I ever did this without praying over my work before I started a search. He certainly blessed me in spite of me!

So what happens next? I know I am not completely headache free. That probably means more nerve blocks in my future, but at least they are working for longer periods now. I know I have cataracts to get taken care of, but God willing nothing else major!

Bacon and Balsamic Glazed Sugar Snap Peas Recipe

I tried this last night-it was great-even to a husband who doesn’t like “interesting” things!

Ingredients:

1/4 lb of bacon.  (I used 4 slices)

1 1/2 cups of fresh sugar snap peas  ( I had a cup)

2 Tbsp Balsamic vinegar ( I used one+ a little)

1 tablespoon RAW sugar  ( I used 1 tbsp of splenda)

salt and pepper to taste. Serve immediately

Cook minced bacon in a large skillet over  med hig heat until the fat has rendered out and the bacon has begun to crisp. About 5 min. Remove w/a slotted spoon and set aside. leave the bacon fat in the skillet.  Add the sugar snap peas, ande toss w/the fat.  Cook and stir until just cooked through, about 5 minutes.  Pour in the vinengar, sugar, and cooked bacon Continue cooking until the balamic  has reduced, and the sugar has dissolved, about 2 minutes. Season to taste with salt and pepper

2005 A Year of Drastic Change

I mentioned in my last post that I had my last cervical fusion in 2005. It was August, I had produced enough sales in July and August to give me  great billings for a year that had been very slow and difficult so far. I was driving to Atlanta when my neurosurgeon called with my MRI results. For the first time in my dealings with him, he sounded anxious and concerned. I had a disk that had herniated into the spinal cord among other things. He told me not to lift a grandchild, or anything for that matter and to walk around like I was walking on eggs! If things got worse, I could have been paralyzed! Needless to say, I was really careful that weekend!

I came back home and began to plan for the surgery. I wasn’t particularly concerned. I HAD done this twice before! The great thing about this time was already having and working from a home office–frankly, I didn’t think I’d miss a step!

I really did fine with the surgery. I remember walking around the floor that first night,  but sometime during the night, I knew even as I lay asleep that I was in trouble! I couldn’t wake up! That was my last conscience thought for THREE days.

My husband found me not breathing the next morning. In a panic, he yelled for help, not remembering my living will-which was ok-but soon my room was filled with doctors and nurses and senior staff. They apparently tried a lot of things to get me to awaken once they had me breathing again. Nothing worked and I was moved to ICU. ( I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during all this) At any rate, I spent three days on a narcaine drip, sound asleep. My husband said that they kept telling him they were doing everything possible.

When I awoke, I had been moved back to my room and to my surprise, I had no voice! Also trying to eat, I choked on everything, even liquids! Apparently I had suffered a stroke, had a paralyzed vocal cord and the little flap over my esophagus and trachea didn’t work right and so I was choking. Pretty quickly, the paralysis was diagnosed. I had a specialist who came in and showed me how to eat-with my head turned to my left shoulder and pulled down as low as I could. I could only handle soft things, or thickened liquids and I couldn’t call for help with no voice. They also hooked me up to all kinds of monitors that went off all the time, but no one ever checked. It was not a good time.

One would think I would be devastated, but honestly God was closer to me than almost any other time in my life. I have so much scripture underlined with margin notes of that time in the hospital. Nights were the worst. Dennis had to leave me to work and I couldn’t sleep much because of the meds I was on. The following are some of the scriptures and notes that I made and I cherish now.

First, there was confidence that I was going to be healed…I thought my neck…God knew my voice, mind, and eating abilities…Psalm 41:3  The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness. Aug 8, 2005.

Also I had been praying for a real hunger for His Word and the next day, God gave me Psalm 42:1-2 As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you O God. My souls thirsts for God, for the Living God. When can I go and meet with God?…little did I know that soon I would be able to only do that!

The rest of the scriptures are pretty self-explanatory-night prayers, claims for my voice, worship.

Psalm 42:8 By day the Lord directs His love, at night His song is within me-a prayer to the God of my life.    11 Put your hope in God for I will yet praise HIm, my Saviour and my God.                                                                                                                                                                         Psalm 43:2-5  You are God my stronghold. Send forth you light and you truth , let them guide me let them bring me to your holy mountain, to the place you where you dwell. Then will I go to the altar of God, to God, my joy and my delight. I will praise you with the harp, O God, my God. Put your hope in God for will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God.        

There are so many more-but I can not write them all here. But believe me, the Psalms are a great way to get to know God.

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